J. "Say the letter J", I repeat to myself, "just say it: J, J, J!"
The thought is not intelligible. It is the wrong summary for a first day in India. There ought to be more. It is the wrong thought for a first day in Mumbai - a global city that breathes and exudes music of its own. It is certainly the wrong sound to recall all the beats of one block's walk. It is the wrong phonetic image for the loud whispering within this city's walls. But, unalterably, I ought to repeat it: J!
J has become the vastest single memory of my first day in India. The sound of the letter is what I have heard repeated during the incessant murmur of crowds in every street and by the drumming of buildings that tailor the complex history of this city. It is my own beating now. J. My mind fixated on it as an image I want to recall (from this Thursday in the present calendar) for its symbolical importance and not for the actual scientific repetition of its use in the local tongue. It is a sound that is basic, raw, and proper to my core now. J.
Hear this country. J. Aspire to sound along with it. J. India's flirt, let it find you out. J. Let it smitten you with hope. J. Possibly maybe. J. There is possibly maybe. J. J. J.
My journey here is not to be conventional. It is about re-thinking alphabets, about testing basic forms of cognitive knowledge that that have shaped an all too matured psyche that will not suffice me, in its current state, for any lifetime ahead. Coming here is about returning somewhere internal and simple. It is about allowing images as trivial as the sound of letters to fill in the voids of the heart and rewrite common places and forgotten feelings. To revolution-ize the places of my spirit that have become unattached from the world. That have lost a sense of humanity and connection.
The purpose, in a nutshell: obtain a sense of wisdom in the recalling of spirit. Grasp the opportunity to learn how to gather, again, fetus style. And to learn this, not as a momentary, visit-specific or travel driven purpose, but rather as an everlasting skill, priority, and purpose of being. For some reason, this process is not common place to me.
Piano plays away. Now, at dawn, Damien Rice serenades. Heart races along. The Arabian Sea ahead. My forehead points to it and thinks: "I want to spend time with you". A designer's loft. A vast window facing it. Antiques gathered for centuries crisply and perfectly positioned along the Eastern wall of the apartment. The wall, endless. The treasures, collected by a dignitary's eye. Two women sleeping deeply in the contiguous rooms to the one I sit in complete darkness, except for the light of the moon that pours in. Have you mastered the perfect day? Has the day felt endlessly broken in tilted movements of life expressions that showed angles, never imagined, but ever captured?
A bright purple wall on my back. Facing directly at the ocean, defiantly. Two water bottles screaming as loudly as the crows by the ancient tropical trees that lay next to my window. Realizing that none of this was up to us. Neither up to me, nor up to the water bottles, nor to the crows. None of us designed any of of what I saw today. No single segment of the endless, vast history of this country, was up to us and never will be. Realizing that you stand far. That you come in as a foreign soul with a band aid and a handicap to understand everything that you could want to understand. Knowing, that you are minimal. Just as a point in history as a mind capable of grasping the eternity of this world and the forces that shaped it. What a cosmopolitan soul I am? Try again. What an uninformed simple mind better captures it. Until you are here, you do not know. At least, I did not.
No matter what, no matter when, our capacity to realize what exists anywhere remains, utterly, limited. Grand civilizations, much like this one, simply place you where you belong. At a point where the X marks the start. The genesis to learning, learning, learning, and learning the importance of nourishing a global soul that ever struggles with the capacity to really be part of a place's history. The world is here and there. Explore. Explore it. Make a point of it. Start. Remember this. Make of this thought a life priority. Vast ocean waters ahead. Vast sounds, J, open up.
The sea, the wall, the bright purple, the lack of space are memorable from this day. All beating to one sound. To J. To this very sound of this alphabet that right here, in this place of the world, feels vast, feels endless. One wonders, am I an accidental baby of this land? A baby just thrown into the world. Thrown into Mumbai.
Here I sit feeling Mumbai. Feeling India's light. Here in India I am in a hidden place.
I saw a woman today running. Her colors were bright. Her back was showing flesh as she sped away. The rest of her body was draped in cloth - yellow and red. Her speed impressive. She ran among thousands of cars in an semi-paved highway. From within the bubble from which I observed her, she seemed to be two seconds away from elevating. Elevating above from the black taxi cabs, from the people sleeping on the streets once called untouchables, from the temperature of the air covering this city of disparities and beauty. Speeding up to meet the skyline of luxury that intermixed with colonial buildings. She ran next to me against backdrop of cement, steel beams protecting low rising buildings, and skyscrapers dirty with the lush blanket of global pollution. She rose towards a ceiling that met the sky. She did that over a city by the ocean that seems to have forgotten about the sea that encloses it. A sea that no one does seems to see. This city has a different more profound ocean. It hosts 17 million people of the world. Who move. Who touch. Who feel. Who seem grasted in a mystic trance. Spirituality in a city that is told to behave as a cosmopolitan meca of flavors. A city that breathes the local. While it exudes the greatest paradoxes of the global development. The world has turned to show that globalization remains an endless paradox - intellectual masturbation.
Learning to see cracks of the spirit. Noticing how it sparkles out there. It is not up to me. Unthinkable surprises, about to happen. Day one. What a revolution.
Nature is ancient.
2/08/2010
A Self Portrait of Me, By You
X that I miss a bit more than I can stand.
X that surprises me within frames.
X I want to Yoga Master you!
I woke up today to find this from you. In awe. Feeling like I cannot wait for you to continue discovering me. Feeling like I want to continue discovering you. Like I want to stand in the desert and follow you everywhere. Like I just want to be around and continue giving you ideas and making you smile so you continue to produce work.
When I look at what you sent, I feel as though a very important moment in my life has been archived and depicted. I look at it with such openness. I look at it as though standing in front of a heavy yet shiny steel window that you cannot but help admire because it goes into the sky, into space, and it never ends. And you are tiny. And you are minute. And you are there. I feel like something truly special began that day and that I hope it never ends but rather continues finding forms, ways of expression, tones of humor, depths of soul.
Thank you for the self portrait, by you, of me. It makes me smile to only think about it. I melt when I look at it. What an honor. To find myself naked and split appart in several pictures by you. I wish you could take down my entire body and do it all. And plasmarlo over dolls. And plasmarlo over all kinds of realities. I wish I could meet you in a Roman Amphitheater, semi naked, and wrestle you and your camera. And then kiss you all over. That is how I felt night and again with you. Like I was just desintegrating and forming myself again. Ever different. Ever more interesting. And with angles that are new and I did not know I had before.
That moment, I kept thinking I did not want you to leave, I did not want the morning to end, I did not want an end. Having brushed my teeth with Paul's from Maine, just looked outside the window, pausing for something to make you stay. Then, you showed me the pictures. And I left.
I felt like we conquered what we met for. You discovered me. Actually, it happened all over again just now. It happens every time.
Your self portrait of me, by you, will lead to a self portrait of you, by me. And I love that exploratory road that will take us there.
I slept last night with your white long sleeve shirt. It smells like you. I felt like wearing it yesterday because I wanted to have you around. It did the trick. It looks like I did have you around. I miss you.
X that surprises me within frames.
X I want to Yoga Master you!
I woke up today to find this from you. In awe. Feeling like I cannot wait for you to continue discovering me. Feeling like I want to continue discovering you. Like I want to stand in the desert and follow you everywhere. Like I just want to be around and continue giving you ideas and making you smile so you continue to produce work.
When I look at what you sent, I feel as though a very important moment in my life has been archived and depicted. I look at it with such openness. I look at it as though standing in front of a heavy yet shiny steel window that you cannot but help admire because it goes into the sky, into space, and it never ends. And you are tiny. And you are minute. And you are there. I feel like something truly special began that day and that I hope it never ends but rather continues finding forms, ways of expression, tones of humor, depths of soul.
Thank you for the self portrait, by you, of me. It makes me smile to only think about it. I melt when I look at it. What an honor. To find myself naked and split appart in several pictures by you. I wish you could take down my entire body and do it all. And plasmarlo over dolls. And plasmarlo over all kinds of realities. I wish I could meet you in a Roman Amphitheater, semi naked, and wrestle you and your camera. And then kiss you all over. That is how I felt night and again with you. Like I was just desintegrating and forming myself again. Ever different. Ever more interesting. And with angles that are new and I did not know I had before.
That moment, I kept thinking I did not want you to leave, I did not want the morning to end, I did not want an end. Having brushed my teeth with Paul's from Maine, just looked outside the window, pausing for something to make you stay. Then, you showed me the pictures. And I left.
I felt like we conquered what we met for. You discovered me. Actually, it happened all over again just now. It happens every time.
Your self portrait of me, by you, will lead to a self portrait of you, by me. And I love that exploratory road that will take us there.
I slept last night with your white long sleeve shirt. It smells like you. I felt like wearing it yesterday because I wanted to have you around. It did the trick. It looks like I did have you around. I miss you.
I Should Start Somewhere
I remember the moment? Is that a rhetorical question? Haha! You are so mischievous! I miss you. Haha. The "sweet shoot". Made me blush. Had I seen your grin, like the one on the day when you took the photo, ha, I would have turned red. I cannot stop smiling. That hand. Your blinking eye. The entire moment. It feels hot. Lustful. It feels special. It makes me want to see you right now to argue with you for a little as we used to. Or, to just grin and grin and feel nervous. That was a very special dinner. Amazing moment. It should repeat itself.
There is just so much to say after reading you. So much. I should start somewhere.
First, do not let the rain pour on you. If it rains, it rains on the world. If it feels like something is cracking, let it be the Grand Canyon, far away from you. Organize the ideas, draw a list of all the possible projects worth working on, the plausible ones and the implausible ones. Work on a list of 20 ideas. Let the old clients worth revisiting come in, let the new ideas kick in as well. Opportunities need to be found. For talents like yours, there ought to be plenty. I understand the concern and the crisis does not help. It is a busting place, the rain feels tougher than elsewhere, the drops themselves feel as asphalt sometimes. I am glad travelling was special, carry the feeling. Carry it. Do not let it fade away.
Second, I think it is important we continue to discuss follow-up ideas to the projects. You may have noticed how easy things could happen here. There is a problem though: information asymmetry. The local businesses crave for talent from abroad. They, however, might think they cannot afford it. I think, therefore, that it is important to go directly to all the sponsors with a brief presentation about your business and turning in credentials. Establishing contact with the trigger pullers and decision makers so you can be in front of them. Things here move from person to person. You land one job, the rest will follow. I assume the size of it will be insignificant compared to what you did before but still worth pursuing. Discuss this tonight.
Third, I am lining up a fabulous job for you, or some sort of job at least. Of course it is difficult, like for all of us, because this is ad-honorem or pro bono but if we prioritize the long over the short run I think this can turn into something outstanding for all. We ought to start finding funds to grow and organically develop as a think/do tank or a social movement. The impact this can have on everyone's careers is great.
I am doing well. The experience was important and relevant for me on many levels, as you know. First, it was the first time I arrived to anything in my life feeling that I was exuding my own self. No planned behaviours. No polished or pre-determined answers. No strategic methods. Just me. Plainly me. The results were powerful not only for the connections with everyone there but also because I was able to answer, somewhat unknowingly a big question. It is about authenticity. It was also important because only 6 months ago, I ended a period of very focused executive work, indoors, at a cosmopolitan metropolis. This period came right after 4 years of intense focus on academics, leadership, and just plain dedication to developing a name for myself in an intellectual and professional level. Ending that period and having the opportunity to gain perspective prior to going to study is outstanding. Chances like this will likely not repeat themselves. Second, the experience has yielded a fresh outlook for my volunteer time and perhaps later will become something bigger. I am trying to aim far and aim global. Hopefully it will happen. I am taking a risk because I am thinking of foregoing other opportunities to focus on bringing this organization to the next level. Life is about risks. It keeps you young, fresh, and so I will do it. Finally, allowing myself to be, allowing myself to welcome a surprise was amazing. I did not realize how lonely and inexperienced I am. Since leaving NYC, my main focus has been me, my personal life, what I truly want to extract from life, and I started setting priorities from a very visceral place for the first time. No calculations. I, however, faced so many difficulties. Felt lonely at times. Very much so. Felt like I needed to find something that will help me start a process of clarifying who I am. I came to Ecuador for that reason. Because I am from here and here is where it is toughest for me to yield way to the idea of thinking of building my life. That answer is clearer to me now. I know I can. Prior, it felt difficult as it would be sad sometimes, yet, it also felt like a very private and outstanding aspect that I was privilege to live. Felt like I was a chosen one. In the midst of all these processes and discoveries, this experience came along. It has answered so much. It has given me so much. The opportunity to be. In years and years, the opportunity to share myself a bit more than I have been used to. And the opportunity to find sensible hearts, who own a very special artistic psyche, who have gone through a lot and served to speed down many processes and let me just be present. So, what is going on is what distance allows. I do not know yet if there is that answer that usually lies deep down inside that you know it is going to work or not work out. I just do not know it yet. Feeling our way through the moment of life I am in. And, I am lucky. Passionate. Just knowing that it can happen to me, is great. Asking why I repeat that? Why do I repeat it can happen? I was full of relationships, etc. I had been. But not now. I am looking for more. For depth. For substance. For that kind of substance that makes it all timeless. Special. Propio. Anyhow, this is all over the place. In general, the entire thing is all over the place. I guess time will tell, as it was wisely said. I am free though. I like that.
I feel it is important I work on myself and continue walking the path towards me. Once I have walked further, I should have a better sense of my life's priorities and bring that clarity with me to X wherever that may be. I have been doing that and I do not want to let the process end abruptly after taking so many chances and taking so many risks. I want to walk that road. After that, who knows.
You just wait.
There is just so much to say after reading you. So much. I should start somewhere.
First, do not let the rain pour on you. If it rains, it rains on the world. If it feels like something is cracking, let it be the Grand Canyon, far away from you. Organize the ideas, draw a list of all the possible projects worth working on, the plausible ones and the implausible ones. Work on a list of 20 ideas. Let the old clients worth revisiting come in, let the new ideas kick in as well. Opportunities need to be found. For talents like yours, there ought to be plenty. I understand the concern and the crisis does not help. It is a busting place, the rain feels tougher than elsewhere, the drops themselves feel as asphalt sometimes. I am glad travelling was special, carry the feeling. Carry it. Do not let it fade away.
Second, I think it is important we continue to discuss follow-up ideas to the projects. You may have noticed how easy things could happen here. There is a problem though: information asymmetry. The local businesses crave for talent from abroad. They, however, might think they cannot afford it. I think, therefore, that it is important to go directly to all the sponsors with a brief presentation about your business and turning in credentials. Establishing contact with the trigger pullers and decision makers so you can be in front of them. Things here move from person to person. You land one job, the rest will follow. I assume the size of it will be insignificant compared to what you did before but still worth pursuing. Discuss this tonight.
Third, I am lining up a fabulous job for you, or some sort of job at least. Of course it is difficult, like for all of us, because this is ad-honorem or pro bono but if we prioritize the long over the short run I think this can turn into something outstanding for all. We ought to start finding funds to grow and organically develop as a think/do tank or a social movement. The impact this can have on everyone's careers is great.
I am doing well. The experience was important and relevant for me on many levels, as you know. First, it was the first time I arrived to anything in my life feeling that I was exuding my own self. No planned behaviours. No polished or pre-determined answers. No strategic methods. Just me. Plainly me. The results were powerful not only for the connections with everyone there but also because I was able to answer, somewhat unknowingly a big question. It is about authenticity. It was also important because only 6 months ago, I ended a period of very focused executive work, indoors, at a cosmopolitan metropolis. This period came right after 4 years of intense focus on academics, leadership, and just plain dedication to developing a name for myself in an intellectual and professional level. Ending that period and having the opportunity to gain perspective prior to going to study is outstanding. Chances like this will likely not repeat themselves. Second, the experience has yielded a fresh outlook for my volunteer time and perhaps later will become something bigger. I am trying to aim far and aim global. Hopefully it will happen. I am taking a risk because I am thinking of foregoing other opportunities to focus on bringing this organization to the next level. Life is about risks. It keeps you young, fresh, and so I will do it. Finally, allowing myself to be, allowing myself to welcome a surprise was amazing. I did not realize how lonely and inexperienced I am. Since leaving NYC, my main focus has been me, my personal life, what I truly want to extract from life, and I started setting priorities from a very visceral place for the first time. No calculations. I, however, faced so many difficulties. Felt lonely at times. Very much so. Felt like I needed to find something that will help me start a process of clarifying who I am. I came to Ecuador for that reason. Because I am from here and here is where it is toughest for me to yield way to the idea of thinking of building my life. That answer is clearer to me now. I know I can. Prior, it felt difficult as it would be sad sometimes, yet, it also felt like a very private and outstanding aspect that I was privilege to live. Felt like I was a chosen one. In the midst of all these processes and discoveries, this experience came along. It has answered so much. It has given me so much. The opportunity to be. In years and years, the opportunity to share myself a bit more than I have been used to. And the opportunity to find sensible hearts, who own a very special artistic psyche, who have gone through a lot and served to speed down many processes and let me just be present. So, what is going on is what distance allows. I do not know yet if there is that answer that usually lies deep down inside that you know it is going to work or not work out. I just do not know it yet. Feeling our way through the moment of life I am in. And, I am lucky. Passionate. Just knowing that it can happen to me, is great. Asking why I repeat that? Why do I repeat it can happen? I was full of relationships, etc. I had been. But not now. I am looking for more. For depth. For substance. For that kind of substance that makes it all timeless. Special. Propio. Anyhow, this is all over the place. In general, the entire thing is all over the place. I guess time will tell, as it was wisely said. I am free though. I like that.
I feel it is important I work on myself and continue walking the path towards me. Once I have walked further, I should have a better sense of my life's priorities and bring that clarity with me to X wherever that may be. I have been doing that and I do not want to let the process end abruptly after taking so many chances and taking so many risks. I want to walk that road. After that, who knows.
You just wait.
1/31/2010
Executing on Happy
I am about to set sails again. I wonder where this entire thing will go.
I think it is good that the heart craves presence and inhales for someone and remains nostalgic about that energy. It is good because it is inspiring and definitely important. To realize that one is present and pulsating. As for the pragmatic answer to all of this. I just do not know. Distance, always creeping in and leaving one wondering just how much of a risk needs to be taken. Yet we keep on moving. Always transported to new directions. Wondering how to make it work. I guess time, again, will be the one to tell.
How are you? It was quite hectic here for me. I went to my farm with my family post the wedding so I just back to the city a little while ago. It should be a crazy week ahead. I have to get organized. It will be about executing well. I did not do that well at all this past week. The travel effect was a bit much and my mind was still on diving sites in oceans far away.
I want to be happy. Could not think of a better person to share that thought with.
I think it is good that the heart craves presence and inhales for someone and remains nostalgic about that energy. It is good because it is inspiring and definitely important. To realize that one is present and pulsating. As for the pragmatic answer to all of this. I just do not know. Distance, always creeping in and leaving one wondering just how much of a risk needs to be taken. Yet we keep on moving. Always transported to new directions. Wondering how to make it work. I guess time, again, will be the one to tell.
How are you? It was quite hectic here for me. I went to my farm with my family post the wedding so I just back to the city a little while ago. It should be a crazy week ahead. I have to get organized. It will be about executing well. I did not do that well at all this past week. The travel effect was a bit much and my mind was still on diving sites in oceans far away.
I want to be happy. Could not think of a better person to share that thought with.
1/27/2010
Waking Heart
A long time passed. Out of touch post the New Year. Life got hectic. I left my prior location and it was extremely difficult to remain in touch. I craved for moments with myself. With no technology around. Away from everything.
Last year was a brutal year. Brutal in how raw it was. There were outstanding moments. There were unexpected moments. There were tragedies. There was triumph. Above all, there was a prolonged sentiment that the year was a turning point to a decade that was quite important and that marked important boundaries that needed to be thought of. Some of those boundaries shall be overcome. Others are perfectly built and shall remain as they were. In all, it was a year of tumultous changes for my psyche, my perception of self and my perception of outward self. I conquered, or at as least it feels as though I did, many cycles that had started in previous years and others that simply arose last year.
It has been a while since I feel I can write and sit as though I am present. With the lines of my body feeling the chair on which I sit. With the contraction of my arms leading up to the point where I press keyboards. Or when I am able to take the air in and let it out.
It was the time that I gave myself in December and then the one that I found deep in the waters of the Caribbean that provides this sort of acknowledgement and it certainly feels refreshing. I think I sought for empowerment when I truly did not need any. I am powered. I just needed to let it all arise from toes to joints and to fill every single inner part. I am here. Present. And it feels outstanding.
I got your voicemail shortly before leaving. I got that video of you in a moving boat that allowed glimpses of water to the left of your face. I got to see your eyes. They are incredible. They remind me of great moments. Thank you for thinking of me for keeping me present. I do, as well, keep you present.
Life is changing rapidly given this sense of momentum. Particularly due to a week spent in a remote island. 5,000 inhabitants. Only one road circling the periphery. And sun. And water, turquoise in all possible shades. Reggae beats. A rastafari diving instructor. A simple life. An experience that was organic. That did not feel paid for. That did not feel produced. Much like those few moments one has in adult life that are ecstasic in the absence of substances or stimulants. Just my body, changing, my mind accepting, and my spirit immersing itself into the depths of past and present.
It is awkard to talk about a trip as a turning point. Those tend to be outliers, and by definition, short-lived or remarkable points that cannot be easily repeated. This did not feel like that. It felt as a natural progression, just like my skin that started turning tanned every single day spent semi-naked under the san, just like my ability to sit on a beach at night and converse with armies of palm trees. All bliss. All natural, organic, self happening yet not self motivated. It happened.
So, I am here. Saying hello. Hello to everything that is in between you and me. Waking up and touching everything possible. The privilege of living this is something I am extremely grateful for. It is some divine luck and surmountable responsibility. I am ready, full on, to live and breathe and multiply any of these opportunities.
How are you? How is your soul? I remain intrigued, ever proud. I hope you are taking care of yourself. Seeking happiness. Thinking of places far beyond, sky high, were you deserve to be and to go always. Always higher. Always better. Thank you again for the waking heart and for keeping me present.
Last year was a brutal year. Brutal in how raw it was. There were outstanding moments. There were unexpected moments. There were tragedies. There was triumph. Above all, there was a prolonged sentiment that the year was a turning point to a decade that was quite important and that marked important boundaries that needed to be thought of. Some of those boundaries shall be overcome. Others are perfectly built and shall remain as they were. In all, it was a year of tumultous changes for my psyche, my perception of self and my perception of outward self. I conquered, or at as least it feels as though I did, many cycles that had started in previous years and others that simply arose last year.
It has been a while since I feel I can write and sit as though I am present. With the lines of my body feeling the chair on which I sit. With the contraction of my arms leading up to the point where I press keyboards. Or when I am able to take the air in and let it out.
It was the time that I gave myself in December and then the one that I found deep in the waters of the Caribbean that provides this sort of acknowledgement and it certainly feels refreshing. I think I sought for empowerment when I truly did not need any. I am powered. I just needed to let it all arise from toes to joints and to fill every single inner part. I am here. Present. And it feels outstanding.
I got your voicemail shortly before leaving. I got that video of you in a moving boat that allowed glimpses of water to the left of your face. I got to see your eyes. They are incredible. They remind me of great moments. Thank you for thinking of me for keeping me present. I do, as well, keep you present.
Life is changing rapidly given this sense of momentum. Particularly due to a week spent in a remote island. 5,000 inhabitants. Only one road circling the periphery. And sun. And water, turquoise in all possible shades. Reggae beats. A rastafari diving instructor. A simple life. An experience that was organic. That did not feel paid for. That did not feel produced. Much like those few moments one has in adult life that are ecstasic in the absence of substances or stimulants. Just my body, changing, my mind accepting, and my spirit immersing itself into the depths of past and present.
It is awkard to talk about a trip as a turning point. Those tend to be outliers, and by definition, short-lived or remarkable points that cannot be easily repeated. This did not feel like that. It felt as a natural progression, just like my skin that started turning tanned every single day spent semi-naked under the san, just like my ability to sit on a beach at night and converse with armies of palm trees. All bliss. All natural, organic, self happening yet not self motivated. It happened.
So, I am here. Saying hello. Hello to everything that is in between you and me. Waking up and touching everything possible. The privilege of living this is something I am extremely grateful for. It is some divine luck and surmountable responsibility. I am ready, full on, to live and breathe and multiply any of these opportunities.
How are you? How is your soul? I remain intrigued, ever proud. I hope you are taking care of yourself. Seeking happiness. Thinking of places far beyond, sky high, were you deserve to be and to go always. Always higher. Always better. Thank you again for the waking heart and for keeping me present.
12/24/2009
I hope. I hope-a. I hopaa. I cheer.
I want to loose myself in there. I want to lay down on the snow and look at the sky. So blue. So masterfully deep. So pompously layered. Thank you for the refreshing vision. Thank you for your kind wishes.
I hope you have a fantastic Holiday Season and that you start 2010 with joy. I hope the year embarks you on adventures and changes. I hope your lives remain young and willing and open and fresh and blue and pompously layered. I wish you positive surprises. I wish you the best always. Above all else I hope you always live having the sense of depth when living your life.
Take care of yourself. Have a lovely time near your loved ones. Let´s allow 2010 bring all the challenges in the world and face them with courage and a smile in the heart. I cheer for an amazing decade ahead.
I hope you have a fantastic Holiday Season and that you start 2010 with joy. I hope the year embarks you on adventures and changes. I hope your lives remain young and willing and open and fresh and blue and pompously layered. I wish you positive surprises. I wish you the best always. Above all else I hope you always live having the sense of depth when living your life.
Take care of yourself. Have a lovely time near your loved ones. Let´s allow 2010 bring all the challenges in the world and face them with courage and a smile in the heart. I cheer for an amazing decade ahead.
12/18/2009
Don't Stop Retreating!
Plans that have potential to impact one's life course can be truncated by miniature events and minute exogenous phenomena. Those plans, when properly planned, can have incredible magnitude. We think of them. We quietly, in our minds, start building them. And, we set out a road to acomplish them and make them a reality. Life has continued taking its course. And suddenly, the surprise. The unmanageable certainty of execution is not there. Miniature catastrophes, small victories, acquaintances, all can start intruding. And then life resolves itself. And we loose sight of those plans.
In my experience, those plans tended to be simple. They did not entail building space-ships or travelling to far distant lands. Those plans tended, most often, to be about finding spaces for the soul, the mind, and the spirit to sync. To come together as one and to start thinking in present about life's future course, with the past in perspective. There can be debate about the validity of the surprise factor of like taking course once the idea of loosing sight of "the plans" when the action of "planmaking" becomes a concious activity in ourselves. Because we know and are aware that we want to head somewhere. Because we are already planning something that feels structured and most often follows a methodology. But, life can happen so quietly and events can seem to follow one another so smoothly that it is really impossible to know what is getting in the way and what is not. And, if something is getting in the way, it is even harder to put at rest the idea of dealing with it as a sepparate event that should not intrude with what was prior set out.
Plans of the mind and of the heart are, I assume, set out by all. But the degree of conciousness of those seem to follow different patterns. There are those amongst us who flow. Who just let life happen and do not give much consideration to existencial questions. Ultimately, we all do think about life and about strategizing it or simply thinking and setting priorities for existence. But, there are those of us who attempt, to the best of our abilities to go a bit deeper on the concious level. Who look at a New Year as a possiblity. Who look at a birthday as somewhat of a crossroads. Each time. Every calendar turning its page. We can dwelve in silence, in writings, in images, in conversations with ourselves just thinking deep and hard about what it is that we want? How it is that we really want to live? When it is that we want to do things? It feels as though the weight of this sort of analysis is part of us. And, often, even when attempted at, it is hard to escape.
So, we sit, walk, run, swim, write, draw. And in midst of these activities we retreat into ourselves. We flock into all directions of the heart and start thinking of the patterns of behaviour, the things that make up who we are. Where we work. Who we relate to others. How we chew. Who do we want to give ourselves to. Under what conditions. And quickly these ideas start taking up structures and all start playing with one another as we start figuring out what needs to be changed, advanced, matured, and potentially dilluted. When we retreat to search into ourselves and not to change others, we normally retreat to find the positive. Seeking a platform. Seeking a propeller. Seeking a way to extract more out of life. Yet remain pure. Yet remain constructive. Yet remain true to one's essence. I f we could only try more.
Those plans are frail and fragile. One is the only one who sets them out and one is the only one who can pursue them. One sets the course. One chooses the methodology. One really knows the weight of the priorities. Even if one's life is shared, it is in one is where the power of staying course remains. Everything else is exogenous. Everyone else is external. Our plans may be understood. They may be identified. They can be judged as essential. They can be improved with external advice. They can be blocked. Whatever the condition, it remains property, truly and wholy private of one's life entreprise. No one else's.
And so we build the course. And we start walking. Not conscious all day about that which we want to acomplish. Simply coming about to one of these plans is hard enough. I guess it happens few times in one's life. Often in youth. For the enlightened ones it may happen later as they remain open to change and opportunity. Regardless of age and recurrence, building these plans requires backbone. It is not easy to retreat into oneself. It is no handy task to pause and really look around and see life face value, from our subjective perspective, or even to look at it from the possible angles of analysis there may be. Just pausing is hard enough. Finding the time to think. Finding the courage to give this sort of matter any kind of importance. But, then again, we do. And we struggle until the time comes. And we can see. See as far as we can. Hopefully hurt one a little. And then reply with some ridiculous sense of patriotism for the history built by the country that contains our bodies and souls. And respond, and debate, and disagree and finally arrive to some sort of self-enlightened and self-designed version of the truth. Knowing the hindrance or lie to and of being objetive (because at the end of the day there is nothing that can be objective about anyone, there is no one single truth) we deliver the personal manifesto and of we go!
Of we go until something stops us. Of we go until an event distracts us and perhaps forces us to loose sight of that truth that for moments seem so relevant and important and even essential for life to continue. We get distracted. In my case, by default. And the plans start shaping up over the course of years. I start recirculating versions of that self-designed truth and then suddenly start seeing it melt by pieces and by beats. Every time the door bell rings when I am collecting thoughts about professional strategy. Every single time the internet falls when I am writing an email to someone I am courting and does not come back up after I left the house for any other activity. Every single time that I cannot retreat because the level of activity I aspire or perform is vaster than the actual amount of time that a good session of self analysis would require. These are miniature catastrophes. These are unexplainable phenomena that just as it was hard to come by the time to build up plans, it later became as hard to put them on course.
We like to get distracted. When we retreat, the easiest thing is to diver by these phone calls, by the calling wars of success at the office, by the ever growing interests of the mind. Books. Exhibits. Shows. Sex. Line ups of activities with amazing abality to devastate the silence or space that requires the thinking of those "grand" "planning" "strategies". And life diverts.
Yet, to be fair, those distractions are structural in most cases. Life happens in wealth and poverty. Each can be a structural difficulty to finding silence. Life happens in health and sickness. Each can be another structural obstacle to finding balance for the mind and heart. In sickness, we want to resolve all things. In health, we pay little attention to existencial matters. In any event, assuming one is standing in the ideal place for one of these planning sessions and really is ready to walk into and around oneself, our lives do not take place in isolation. They take place around others. They exist in unison and in a chronologically assigned manner. They are finite. They begin. They end. And everything around us begins and ends during our own course.
It is the coming to an end of one such life while attempting to retreat into myself that moves me to think about this and write it. I was drafting lists about life and setting out the vision ahead, thinking of the retrospective way back, when this lack of oxygen, one again, started cramming into someone's life. Moments later, you sit and stare how life and air escape a person. The love you feel. The passion you have for the shared existence with that life. All of the moments and silences that were shared. The wisdom and magic that descended on your heart along the way. That fairy woman who always protects you. Suddenly, frail, eyes closed, hand clinging to the metal border of the bed. Tubed up. Tubed around. And barely catching a breathe. You simply do not want to think about the potential of lossing all of this. Of loosing a soul companion. A soul that should be here, everlasting, ever present. But, then, the miniature disasters do happen.
Lives truncated by a single turn of events. By bad medication prescribed that dents brutal holes in human organs. By the fact that we exist together and some cannot operate when others are not around. Because we do depend on each other by heart or physics. To build those plans. To frustrate them. To build new ones. To improve others. We simply cannot create those plans in isolation.
I realize, it is insolent to call such an event like a life obstruction and life threatening oxygen deficiencies an interruption. Well, actually, it is frivolous analysis at first sight. But it is necessary. Of course, it is extreme but it is precisely important to look at it because it highlights important issues that once understood can help build brighter, grander courses for all of us.
Now, the interruption being discussed stops being about those around this soul. It is, mainly, now I realize, about her soul. This interruption must have taken place when she had set out dreams in her own mind. How will I prepare for Christmas? What will I do with my family? Will I be able to carry out the dinner and hear to what they are saying? Perhaps I should light candles and offer San Patricio something so my life continues smoothly? Will I make it to tomorrow? How can I remove this pain in my left knee? Why does my body ache so much? I should be using the oxygen, but I think is dangerous, will they realize I am not using it? The weight of trains of thought like these repeat on each of us on a daily basis. Do we stop planning life and retreating into ourselves at the age of 80? Do we look back more than look ahead? I doubt it. The ability and need of thinking about life and how we want to live it is persistent and age makes it the more acute.
When plans take course a million obstacles seem to interfere. One builds a plan. Life continues taking its course. The resolute is there. Life truncates it. It seems obliviously difficult to retain course but we do not even realize. We soon confront other problems. Our own. Other's. We get distracted and unknowingly abandon missions that are worth living. Missions that are worth experimenting. Perhaps that is one main resolute for the time ahead. To look deeper into examples of these events and really dig until we uncover a way to let life happen but simply turn and realize a distraction for what it is and come back to where we were.
Perhaps then the disilussion ends. Then love becomes true. Lives stop being mediocre. And we really find content in realizing that focus, concentration, and attempts to live can follow our intentions if we set out on it. We can stop being somber shadows of ourselves.
Retreat.
In my experience, those plans tended to be simple. They did not entail building space-ships or travelling to far distant lands. Those plans tended, most often, to be about finding spaces for the soul, the mind, and the spirit to sync. To come together as one and to start thinking in present about life's future course, with the past in perspective. There can be debate about the validity of the surprise factor of like taking course once the idea of loosing sight of "the plans" when the action of "planmaking" becomes a concious activity in ourselves. Because we know and are aware that we want to head somewhere. Because we are already planning something that feels structured and most often follows a methodology. But, life can happen so quietly and events can seem to follow one another so smoothly that it is really impossible to know what is getting in the way and what is not. And, if something is getting in the way, it is even harder to put at rest the idea of dealing with it as a sepparate event that should not intrude with what was prior set out.
Plans of the mind and of the heart are, I assume, set out by all. But the degree of conciousness of those seem to follow different patterns. There are those amongst us who flow. Who just let life happen and do not give much consideration to existencial questions. Ultimately, we all do think about life and about strategizing it or simply thinking and setting priorities for existence. But, there are those of us who attempt, to the best of our abilities to go a bit deeper on the concious level. Who look at a New Year as a possiblity. Who look at a birthday as somewhat of a crossroads. Each time. Every calendar turning its page. We can dwelve in silence, in writings, in images, in conversations with ourselves just thinking deep and hard about what it is that we want? How it is that we really want to live? When it is that we want to do things? It feels as though the weight of this sort of analysis is part of us. And, often, even when attempted at, it is hard to escape.
So, we sit, walk, run, swim, write, draw. And in midst of these activities we retreat into ourselves. We flock into all directions of the heart and start thinking of the patterns of behaviour, the things that make up who we are. Where we work. Who we relate to others. How we chew. Who do we want to give ourselves to. Under what conditions. And quickly these ideas start taking up structures and all start playing with one another as we start figuring out what needs to be changed, advanced, matured, and potentially dilluted. When we retreat to search into ourselves and not to change others, we normally retreat to find the positive. Seeking a platform. Seeking a propeller. Seeking a way to extract more out of life. Yet remain pure. Yet remain constructive. Yet remain true to one's essence. I f we could only try more.
Those plans are frail and fragile. One is the only one who sets them out and one is the only one who can pursue them. One sets the course. One chooses the methodology. One really knows the weight of the priorities. Even if one's life is shared, it is in one is where the power of staying course remains. Everything else is exogenous. Everyone else is external. Our plans may be understood. They may be identified. They can be judged as essential. They can be improved with external advice. They can be blocked. Whatever the condition, it remains property, truly and wholy private of one's life entreprise. No one else's.
And so we build the course. And we start walking. Not conscious all day about that which we want to acomplish. Simply coming about to one of these plans is hard enough. I guess it happens few times in one's life. Often in youth. For the enlightened ones it may happen later as they remain open to change and opportunity. Regardless of age and recurrence, building these plans requires backbone. It is not easy to retreat into oneself. It is no handy task to pause and really look around and see life face value, from our subjective perspective, or even to look at it from the possible angles of analysis there may be. Just pausing is hard enough. Finding the time to think. Finding the courage to give this sort of matter any kind of importance. But, then again, we do. And we struggle until the time comes. And we can see. See as far as we can. Hopefully hurt one a little. And then reply with some ridiculous sense of patriotism for the history built by the country that contains our bodies and souls. And respond, and debate, and disagree and finally arrive to some sort of self-enlightened and self-designed version of the truth. Knowing the hindrance or lie to and of being objetive (because at the end of the day there is nothing that can be objective about anyone, there is no one single truth) we deliver the personal manifesto and of we go!
Of we go until something stops us. Of we go until an event distracts us and perhaps forces us to loose sight of that truth that for moments seem so relevant and important and even essential for life to continue. We get distracted. In my case, by default. And the plans start shaping up over the course of years. I start recirculating versions of that self-designed truth and then suddenly start seeing it melt by pieces and by beats. Every time the door bell rings when I am collecting thoughts about professional strategy. Every single time the internet falls when I am writing an email to someone I am courting and does not come back up after I left the house for any other activity. Every single time that I cannot retreat because the level of activity I aspire or perform is vaster than the actual amount of time that a good session of self analysis would require. These are miniature catastrophes. These are unexplainable phenomena that just as it was hard to come by the time to build up plans, it later became as hard to put them on course.
We like to get distracted. When we retreat, the easiest thing is to diver by these phone calls, by the calling wars of success at the office, by the ever growing interests of the mind. Books. Exhibits. Shows. Sex. Line ups of activities with amazing abality to devastate the silence or space that requires the thinking of those "grand" "planning" "strategies". And life diverts.
Yet, to be fair, those distractions are structural in most cases. Life happens in wealth and poverty. Each can be a structural difficulty to finding silence. Life happens in health and sickness. Each can be another structural obstacle to finding balance for the mind and heart. In sickness, we want to resolve all things. In health, we pay little attention to existencial matters. In any event, assuming one is standing in the ideal place for one of these planning sessions and really is ready to walk into and around oneself, our lives do not take place in isolation. They take place around others. They exist in unison and in a chronologically assigned manner. They are finite. They begin. They end. And everything around us begins and ends during our own course.
It is the coming to an end of one such life while attempting to retreat into myself that moves me to think about this and write it. I was drafting lists about life and setting out the vision ahead, thinking of the retrospective way back, when this lack of oxygen, one again, started cramming into someone's life. Moments later, you sit and stare how life and air escape a person. The love you feel. The passion you have for the shared existence with that life. All of the moments and silences that were shared. The wisdom and magic that descended on your heart along the way. That fairy woman who always protects you. Suddenly, frail, eyes closed, hand clinging to the metal border of the bed. Tubed up. Tubed around. And barely catching a breathe. You simply do not want to think about the potential of lossing all of this. Of loosing a soul companion. A soul that should be here, everlasting, ever present. But, then, the miniature disasters do happen.
Lives truncated by a single turn of events. By bad medication prescribed that dents brutal holes in human organs. By the fact that we exist together and some cannot operate when others are not around. Because we do depend on each other by heart or physics. To build those plans. To frustrate them. To build new ones. To improve others. We simply cannot create those plans in isolation.
I realize, it is insolent to call such an event like a life obstruction and life threatening oxygen deficiencies an interruption. Well, actually, it is frivolous analysis at first sight. But it is necessary. Of course, it is extreme but it is precisely important to look at it because it highlights important issues that once understood can help build brighter, grander courses for all of us.
Now, the interruption being discussed stops being about those around this soul. It is, mainly, now I realize, about her soul. This interruption must have taken place when she had set out dreams in her own mind. How will I prepare for Christmas? What will I do with my family? Will I be able to carry out the dinner and hear to what they are saying? Perhaps I should light candles and offer San Patricio something so my life continues smoothly? Will I make it to tomorrow? How can I remove this pain in my left knee? Why does my body ache so much? I should be using the oxygen, but I think is dangerous, will they realize I am not using it? The weight of trains of thought like these repeat on each of us on a daily basis. Do we stop planning life and retreating into ourselves at the age of 80? Do we look back more than look ahead? I doubt it. The ability and need of thinking about life and how we want to live it is persistent and age makes it the more acute.
When plans take course a million obstacles seem to interfere. One builds a plan. Life continues taking its course. The resolute is there. Life truncates it. It seems obliviously difficult to retain course but we do not even realize. We soon confront other problems. Our own. Other's. We get distracted and unknowingly abandon missions that are worth living. Missions that are worth experimenting. Perhaps that is one main resolute for the time ahead. To look deeper into examples of these events and really dig until we uncover a way to let life happen but simply turn and realize a distraction for what it is and come back to where we were.
Perhaps then the disilussion ends. Then love becomes true. Lives stop being mediocre. And we really find content in realizing that focus, concentration, and attempts to live can follow our intentions if we set out on it. We can stop being somber shadows of ourselves.
Retreat.
12/17/2009
Llueve la Ciudad
Nueva York
10/07/2006
Caen del cielo toneladas métricas de concreto,
Caen directamente, perpendiculares, apuntadas a mi cara.
Y acá, en mi nariz, quedan rastros de pavimento,
Quedan alcantarillas en mis oídos.
Y, es que la ciudad entera ha llovido en mí frente.
El impacto, la fricción, dejando el borde de mí piel,
Al tacto caliente.
Me escondería si tuviera miedo,
Huirían si pesaran las toneladas métricas.
Tal vez, hasta gritaría,
Si la sangre no supiera tan bien cuando se mezcla con ripio de cemento.
Es un día más, simpatizante en el calendario.
No es un día más! No!
Porque hoy me ha llovido en la cara cemento.
10/07/2006
Caen del cielo toneladas métricas de concreto,
Caen directamente, perpendiculares, apuntadas a mi cara.
Y acá, en mi nariz, quedan rastros de pavimento,
Quedan alcantarillas en mis oídos.
Y, es que la ciudad entera ha llovido en mí frente.
El impacto, la fricción, dejando el borde de mí piel,
Al tacto caliente.
Me escondería si tuviera miedo,
Huirían si pesaran las toneladas métricas.
Tal vez, hasta gritaría,
Si la sangre no supiera tan bien cuando se mezcla con ripio de cemento.
Es un día más, simpatizante en el calendario.
No es un día más! No!
Porque hoy me ha llovido en la cara cemento.
12/16/2009
Rock On!
I am so glad to see how all is shaping up for you. The minutes continue to be jammed packed with activity. The friends are flocking all to you and each has a more interesting story to tell than the other. The places you are visiting are each special in its own way and they most certainly leave lasting impressions and cravings to live and to belong there. I hope life continues giving you all these chances and opportunities. I feel like you are open to live them fully and thus deserve more than anyone to experience these the changing sceneries.
Your time in Miami sounds outstanding. It is definitely a special place. In my experience, Miami becomes truly amazing when you are surrounded by the right people. The relaxed kind. The ones who can jet set and yet chill at reaggae ska bars at night. The ones who like walking the beach and merging with the bodies and the sun. Sounds like you were with someone really special. That is really cool. The ocean, the streets filled with cross sections of flavours and sounds. The decadence of it all mixing with the glamour. I assume the Art did a lot for the city and it must have made the city feel like a really fantastic place. I am glad.
I am well. I am really done with living here for now, at this stage of my life. Lives move slowly here. I am not used to this pace. I am not used to the lack of stamina and interest in building more, contributing more, and being a bit more part of the world. It is almost as if I see blurry memories of yesteryears that spring back up constantly waking day after waking day. Anyhow, my life is not repetitive anywhere nor here. And, my life has never been tailored according to external cycles or to exogeneous factors. I came here for a reason. I needed to bring my feet to walk on these soils for a bit. And the circle has closed. I have walked long enough around here to know where I stand.
Now, I am planning to retreat to the country just by myself for a couple days. I want to paint, read, and write. I have a couple of projects pending and I want to finish all of that before the year is over. I want to start this coming decade as purely as a new born. Clean. Clear. Ready. I have plenty to think about for the next year and the next era. I think having those days will be amazing.
Afterwards, I will head to the Ocean. It is going to be incredible to be that close to water and sand. I plan to welcome the New Year feeling ready for it. It is an exciting time.
Rock on!
Your time in Miami sounds outstanding. It is definitely a special place. In my experience, Miami becomes truly amazing when you are surrounded by the right people. The relaxed kind. The ones who can jet set and yet chill at reaggae ska bars at night. The ones who like walking the beach and merging with the bodies and the sun. Sounds like you were with someone really special. That is really cool. The ocean, the streets filled with cross sections of flavours and sounds. The decadence of it all mixing with the glamour. I assume the Art did a lot for the city and it must have made the city feel like a really fantastic place. I am glad.
I am well. I am really done with living here for now, at this stage of my life. Lives move slowly here. I am not used to this pace. I am not used to the lack of stamina and interest in building more, contributing more, and being a bit more part of the world. It is almost as if I see blurry memories of yesteryears that spring back up constantly waking day after waking day. Anyhow, my life is not repetitive anywhere nor here. And, my life has never been tailored according to external cycles or to exogeneous factors. I came here for a reason. I needed to bring my feet to walk on these soils for a bit. And the circle has closed. I have walked long enough around here to know where I stand.
Now, I am planning to retreat to the country just by myself for a couple days. I want to paint, read, and write. I have a couple of projects pending and I want to finish all of that before the year is over. I want to start this coming decade as purely as a new born. Clean. Clear. Ready. I have plenty to think about for the next year and the next era. I think having those days will be amazing.
Afterwards, I will head to the Ocean. It is going to be incredible to be that close to water and sand. I plan to welcome the New Year feeling ready for it. It is an exciting time.
Rock on!
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