Chapter 6: Retreating into the Great Ocean

Standing on a this Pacific ocean beach I recall. The order of events seemed vertical and unexpected. Things fell from atop, not from the side. Life came to an end for my adored grandmother Mi abuela Maga. The soul suffered. We witnessed as a family how she lost the strength to breathe, gradually, permanently. Since her clinic coma her corporal situation only deteriorated. She just did not want to handle not listening. Deaf ears isolate the heart. She felt inactive and that was not her. Her strengths little by little left her.

During that Friday afternoon, like any other, when I left for our country home, I was told" your grandmother had to be taken in, we are in the ER room, try to make it as soon as possible." In spite of living with some anguish over the months since my return, with the threat persistently laying upon us, and time winking at us mischievously, Every night and every minute looking at us in the eyes, without remorse. We hoped. This time it was no use. Her, at age 82, looked around the room, to her entire family, past 8:00am, we all embraced, tears dropping off our faces, we lost her. One of the marvels of the world. Without a doubt, one of the bestest women who has touched the world, in its history. A woman delivered. A woman dignified. A woman complete. A women independent. A women free. She chose it was not time for machine supported living. My uncles and mom respected it. My grandfather nodded.

Like this, with her death, is that 2010 started. A new decade started. It was like opening and closing a stage in life in which I have no physical god mother. The faerie she becomes, eternal, always close, always within, always from a primordial place where there were not much words but gestures. Love. Action. They were purer. They were experiential. They never required explanation.

My postponed surgery disappeared from my mind. I was surrounded by our entire family that retreated to a pristine blue beach. We contemplated neon signs of 2009on the ocean. It all melted. Yet shone through.

I left a year of grand changes behind. Of new opportunities and charted my mind. I was to become a student again. I had taken personal time for me. At last. It was a year of losses. And defeat too. Lessons learned. I healed the body slowly from an intense fever. It was not the sun. It was the withdrawal. The pain leaving. The cleansing. The beach sparkled.

With recuperation, with the new year, my brows expanded. They felt rested. Crying is good. I again saw siluettes on the beach. My two nieces at ages 0.5 and 2 playing on the beach. Life ahead. My grandmother's legacy. Other siluettes, my siblings, floating on the ocean. Free. Happy. Alive. Much to thank for. This is, a historic moment. Life is simply awake and happening. It is monumental. We are present. We are in unison. We are.

Sun shading down. In name of all risks taken. In name of all struggles overcome. All the stepped footprints.

This decade ought to be fantastic. It has to bring tranquility. To the soul. It has to be about regaining health. And about finding plenitude in being secure and alert to what options arise and need to be taken. An empire of greatness in the good sense of it ought to arise. A structure for happiness. A comet that is filled with illusions and that flies high. And sky deep. And is not worried with anything other than flying. High. Free. Free again. There, where I am going. To find platforms, not for ceaseless hovering, but extensive spread.

Finally, calm. Recuperated. Death attacked but understood. Finally see ahead. Like a horizontal sea, with hundreds of ports. Infinite waves, splashing against the shore. Charged with past movements. But delivered. Transparent. Clean. Ready for the retreating into the great ocean.

And so I realised I had six months prior to my Masters. I wanted to make all of these days. All of these minutes. I thought becoming practical would be the best course of action. My solution: a) create lists of priorities for the coming year, b) make them short, clear, objective, and defined taks, c) view these are reference points and nothing else. Achalasia did not feature amongst these. These were priorities at the time, they meant to be in my control and recurrent:

Priority 1: Like people more. Try at least. Leave New York impatience behind. Allow others a bit more breathing room.

Priority 2: Learn! Learn! Learn! As you prepare to become a student, get ready to become the best. Not just one more. Make the most of every opportunity. Learn to read more. Lead to listen more. Grasp things you are not ready to grasp. Grasp those that you think you know fully. They hold surprises.

Priority 3: On #2, a sequel, more to a different country. By yourself. For a bit more than a month. Just book it and go. Learn a new language. While there: write. Rest. Give yourself time to figure out where it is that you are best at. Allow Ecuador into this list.

Priority 4: Close gradually all open chapters from Quito and past lives. Leave no pending matters. No open issues. Just get up and go. But close things. You will not benefit by bringing extra luggage along.

Priority 5: Get a calendar. Plan your year on that calendar. And keep it in viewing range for a while. Gain perspective of time and the unique opportunity ahead. Literally observe the days and time ahead. Make it a habit from the beginning of the New Year to know where you are headed. And go.

Priority 6: Find absolute peace. Absolutely and deeply, And start with yourself. Accept the truth about you, you know that life goes on without you! And just figure out how to build your life and start living it. Do not delay it for a minute. Live it dutifully. It is yours. Now is when.

Priority 7: Be prepared for what is coming. An incredible life change is ahead. Be and start getting ready to be the best of the best. In your level. In your reality. Just be ready to rock al granite stones from the past and to gather water for the future. Learn to watch and build a life that is incredible to live. Memorable. Yours. A life that is exciting to live.

Priority 8: Focus on 2010 and the year ahead. It starts tonight. Present is today. No delay but just a real blessing. Need to figure things out from the outset.

The list was completed and put away. No one clapped. The New Year started. The Holiday ended and I drove my car with my loved ones back up to the mountains. Life returned to the capital city.

The December 8th Achalasia appointment seemed a distant issue. My mind was elsewhere. My family's too. I was not the priority, just the way I like it. And, I had one convenient data point: the surgery can be done in less than two weeks. I concluded time was on my side. The calendar emerged. I contemplated it and realised I had enough time to leave and come back in time to be "surgerized" prior to my Masters. So I calculated. And with my choking throat. One fine night, I decided, set the tracks on motion. Time to steer and shiver.

In less than 12 days I was quietly gone from Ecuador. The departure was quiet but not without repercussions. On one hand, I hurt my mother in the process. She never understood why I did it. Why I decided to leave so quickly and abruptly after such a moment. But there was not a single drop of me to be given out. On the other hand, I irresponsibly and immaturely reverted to that invincible brother who is not affected by this lovely chocking. And without eating my bites and swallowing water properly, I thought, it is okay. The risk is worth it. I was clearly playing with fire. For some reason, I thought, X will burn if he has to. This needs to be done.

I needed to find drops of me, to be given.