I cannot believe you filed those papers today. That soon after, you were standing at that amazing building constructed by one of the architecture geniuses of our times. And later, you were communicating with me. Speaking. Now, as a person who is no longer, officially, un-free (is that a word?). A period ends. Another one starts.
I can only imagine the implications today will have (symbolically). You can reinvent yourself. Perhaps you do not need to. Perhaps you already have over the past two years. Regardless, what happens from today onwards is not trivial. What happened before was not trivial either. But, let me say it again: what happens from today onwards is not trivial. You are here. You matter. You come first again.
So, today may be a very important day in your life. Not as a date but as a point in your life. From now onwards, you can decide to go with the flow of things; you can feel strange because this may seem perfectly normal; you can let all these feelings dissipate and not really think about them because there is nothing more you can feel in regards to this process because you have felt it all and have conquered all those feelings and already are at a new stage in your life where signing those papers did not really mean a lot. Perhaps you signed those papers a long time ago in your heart.
From my point of view, your psyche could and will likely develop new patterns of behaviour. Just because of signing those papers. Naturally, there are new goals to think about. A love to be found. Relationships to be had. A shared life? A solitary life? Terms will need to be set. Inevitably, we do that. Unaware or aware, your life can and may start taking new turns because you now can.
It could be noticed, analyzed, or, it could go by with you just finally having the allowance of flowing without the weight of this process on your back. The feelings steming from ending something that was special, important, and then became grueling and difficult are difficult to rejoice or know where to put. Those processes leave scars. Leave a void. Leave someone important in your past with a title that they no longer hold. Those processes allow you to move ahead with the promise that you may be friends again someday but more importantly with the promise of building a life for yourself in new terms. Do that. Believe in the latter promise more than anything. Everything else will come.
What to think upon reaching closure of such a difficult process? What to feel after ending a period of darkness that was preceded by so much light? What to think upon departing away from someone you had an incredible time with but then shared so much heartaches with? Relief as she dissppears and becomes part of your past? An consolable feeling of just wanting to someday reach out to her and make sure she is going to be okay with everything? Making sure you cover all steps so YOU are okay with everything? Waves and waves of ideas, feelings, and plans to keep up the momentum of your life going and finding ways to continue with energy to make the best of the change you embarked on after ending such a chapter in your life? I hope it is a mix of all these things.
I have told you a lot of things but not many about our intimacies. I do not know if you noticed but we spent a lot of time getting to know each other in between naps. Those conversations I miss so much. They felt so raw. So real. So dreamy. They happened at such a state. My body, my mind and heart where there. During these conversations I glanced into you.
I know very little and all I know is from those conversations. Still, it feels as though you must have a lot on your mind and that is why I insist of looking into you and making sure you are okay. Do not let these things pass you by. Give them a moment and think about yourself in new terms, in old terms, in future terms.
I noticed that this has had an impact on you and that you have worked so hard on overcoming it. But I also noticed that you make it seem it has not been as hard as it was. Perhaps you have recovered and that is just my illusion. But, I sensed that it was truly harsh. And that you made the best of it yet it took a lot out of you. Know that. I am proud of you for being honest in your life and seeking happiness. For living fully and generously always. For working hard on recovering and not taking anyone's feelings lightly. I hope you are proud too.
It is not easy to understand what you have gone through in regards to the end of this love in your life. To an external person to you, like me, this could be a very smart person who holds his own in life and simply has an advanced level of emotional maturity and has coped well with the crisis and simply knows where to stand. Or, perhaps, you can be a relaxed person, who does not want to think about things and delve on them but rather look at things for what they were and understand that loves end no matter how much effort you put into things. Or, you can be someone who went through a long period of confusion and saw the light was relieved to just start living. I did not know, for a while, how you felt about all this. And I mean, I now know because you told me and I saw you. You have gone through a lot. Breathe. Look at yourself in the mirror for 3 minutes. Let the view soak you.
Anyhow, I want to be sure you are okay. I want to be sure you make sure you are okay. I want you to feel no fears. No regrets. And if you do, understand them. And deal with them. Move ahead lightly. Do not carry baggage.
Wow. I have been writing this and it is so difficul to convey what I want to say. I wish you were in bed with me so we could talk. I just mean to say: I am here for anything. Any time. I am here. Know that. For anything.
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