Blue Hearts

I am writing and in unison feeling a need for fresh cold water dripping over my entire body. Fresh cold water gets your blood pumping, you know? You should do it more often. Sorry. I digress. A common trait of my mind. I write for a different reason.

It is strange. Normally, during courtship, I develop a name to call whoever is courting me (are you courting me?). I am still finding yours. Your name, that is. For some reason, this nickname or name remains elusive. X, for now, is the one I like. Perhaps coupled with the ever general "baby". But you are not my baby. So I think I will have to keep on looking.

I woke up from a long nap to find a missed call from an Unregistered Number. I went in to hear the voicemail and heard your voice. Bliss. Pure bliss. Right then. Thank you for calling.

I left yesterday to Papallacta late in the afternoon. Quito and the valleys were sunny. The sunset was stunning. There was not a single cloud in the sky. I went there to find friends who are visiting. They stayed for a bit. Then, I was left alone in the steaming vertient water, at night. Dark night.

After watering myself and watering my heart out, I drove at night. You could barely see a thing during a night like that. The road is dangerous. Blue hearts, all over. People have died on that road. Every once and again, I turned the car lights off and drove slowly. You could not see a thing. Not a single thing but the mountain's backdroping against the sky.

I decided to park roadside. The road was amazingly dark and there were few cars going by. Mind you, it was Friday, 9:00pm. Just like when I was relaxing at the pools, the night felt illuminated. Illuminated by stars and the reflection of the dark mountains all around.

I stood, both in the pools with rising vapour and near the road, sensing all I could sense. I wanted to get the feeling of being alive. Of standing. Of touching feet, my feet, feeling the ground. Of water or wind brushing my skin. Trying to get a sense of the vitality I sorely seek to encounter after such an intense and gruesome period of focus in indoor spaces over the past 9 years. Leave the offices behind. Leave the city, the concrete, the sounds, behind. And instead, find self, find my own self. Find him with perspective. Not in a much obnoxious existential way but rather in a simple and unintentional or unprovoked way. I did find him. I realized he misses you. He misses you much.

Since, I went to my farm. I opened the last bottle of rose and thought of you and the last afternoon we spent together the entire time. I miss it. I cannot wait for our next best moment.

As I mentioned, I even napped. I think I had napped 3 times in my adult life. I never got used to it. The waking time was always too confusing. Why was it day? Why was I not living? Why was not exploring? I would get chills, headaches, and obviously mess up my night time sleep. Even when I was working from 4:45am to 8:00pm, I did not feel an urge to nap. I slept at night and that was enough. I guess today it felt cathartic to go to bed in the middle of the afternoon. So I did. I rested.

I filmed videos today during a semi drunken stupor. I also opened a book I have been wanting to open for a while. The "Frida Kahlo Diary". A dear friend gave it to me recently as he opened my dairy and had thought I modeled my diary after Frida's. I thought he was complementing me as I had not open a single book by her. I had only seen and liked her paintings. I noticed something though: I need to continue with my dairy. Mine is like hers, filled with nonsense of the heart, intensity, and dreams that happen inside.

I realize my diary's size needs to expand. I need to paint and draw more in there. It is going to be incredible. This day, for that, is important. For I found an outlet. If I die, please go looking for it. For the things that are in there. There is a ton.

I wish you had written in mine. I have only allowed 3 people to write in that notebook. You have to be the 4th. They are people that are dear. That know me. That, like you, in a way or another, have seen me.

I am here now. Writing to you. Hoping to hear your voice. Please call if you get this. I will have my phone with me.